Remembering

If you have been at my blog for awhile you know that I choose to remember my brother Danny twice a year on his birthday in December and today, his date of death. It is not to be morbid or dwell on sadness but to celebrate the fact that he was alive. His memory may be long gone in the schemes of the world, but in my heart, I will never forget. And one day, in God's mercy, I will see him again!

Joy In The Mourning - Songs on Sunday (Long Post)

It has been awhile since I have posted Songs On Sunday, but today I want to share some pieces of my journey and how God met me today. Maybe someone else out there is or has been feeling like I am. Depression is a very touchy topic amongst Christians. Many don't believe it is a valid diagnosis and think that if you are depressed you aren't trusting in God. Their solution is "Read your Bible, say a prayer, get off your bum and get going." Well, sometimes that is not bad advice, but one size does not fit all!



My depression is complicated by my migraine syndrome, insomnia and the same hormonal issues that caused my infertility. I can be having the happiest day of my life, but my body feels physically depressed and I want to cry. My neurologist explained how pain and serotonin use the same pathways in the brain. That's why I almost always have severe depression 24 hours before a bad migraine. This fall the pain from my knee has compounded that. Add to that a few stressful situations and sadness and grief and the combination has been overwhelming! Probably for the same reasons my neurologist explained, I cannot take anti-depressant medications because they cause scary hemiparethic migraines (my face, mouth and lef arm go numb and I have painful headaches!). It's important to say for my family reading, that I am NEVER suicidal. And my focus on God is probably stronger that it ever has. But I have no control over my feelings. It's a continual exercise to tell myself that what I feel is not how things really are. One of the most difficult things with depression is that unless you have experienced it, you DO NOT understand! You might think you do, but trust me, you do not. I'm glad you don't because that means you have not suffered.



Spiritually, I believe that the enemy uses all things to pull us away from God. If a Christian succumbs to depression, what a triumph for our enemy. If depression keeps us from praying and communicating with God, what a triumph for our enemy. If it keeps us from praising God, what a victory for our enemy. I have Victory in Jesus. And in even the depths of intense emotional pain, I know that He is there with me. He did not create my body to respond this way, but it is the result of sin in our world. However, He will not abandon me. He will not forsake me. He walks every step with me. So, even when I cannot smile on the outside, there are moments of JOY when He speaks to me through music, His Word and the books I am reading.



Today our pastor quoted Soren Kirkegaard and it is fitting: "Despair is precesly to have lost the eternal." I do not despair. I have a priceless eternal gift and the Eternal watches over me.



I've shared this Third Day song before, but it is still speaking to me.



Chorus:
Your love, oh Lord
Reaches to the heavens
Your faithfulness stretches to the sky
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains
Your justice flows like the ocean's tide


I will lift my voice
To worship You, my King
I will find my strength
In the shadow of your wings
Chorus



His love reaches to the heights of the Heavens and also to the depths of depression. I do find my strength in the shadow of his wing - One foot in front of the other.



In December I was chosen to be on the first quarter Creative Team at Faith Sisters for digital scrapbooking. They are beginning a challenge for 2009 - His Holy Name which will focus on the different attributes of God. It is being sponsored by Patter who happens to be the Mom of identical triplets! She is an incredible designer.



Most participants are using 6x6, 8x8 or altered Rolodex cards. Those who have paper scrapped with me, now I have a difficult time being confined! LOL I am doing 12x12 double page spreads and the scrapbook is to be determined. But I'm starting on the layouts now along with the challenge. I didn't need one more thing to do this year. But. Focusing on WHO God is, is a good thing. When you are depressed and sad and facing stressful situations or even if you are happy and everything is going well, it is better to focus on WHO He is and NOT on your circumstances. This will give me the oomph to keep putting that one foot in front of the other!



I didn't feel inspired and wasn't sure where I would start. Then I saw Cheryl's layout featuring a Bible that has been in her family since 1883! It's gorgeous. I was inspired to do my layouts featuring my Grandma Hopkins' Bible. This is the right hand side of the first challenge for the attribute, Holy....

In the church where my Grandma married, the old Methodist Church on Colby in Everett, WA, there was a window with an arch and it said, "Worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness." She shared this with me several times and it really touched my heart. She believed, as do I, that making a Covenant of marriage with a Godly man, is an act of worshipping God. I know that sounds strange (NO, I don't worship my husband!), but think about it... God created us to marry and he created marriage as a HOLY COVENANT between a man and woman (that's not shouting, just emphasis). Obedience is a form of worship. Somehow I understood this in my girlish heart and spirit, even when my mind was too young to comprehend all that it would mean. So, when discussing the attribute of holy, this naturally came to mind. And the page features a wedding photo of my Grandparents, Alden and Holly (Tisdale) Hopkins, who were married June 2, 1930. You can see her writing in the margin of the Bible.

This is the left hand side, which is where I will journal my ideas and thoughts about His holiness and what that means to me. (If you want to see the full credits, you can see in the Faith Sisters Gallery. While you are there check out Shelley's layout - it's her first digital layout and I talked her into joining me. I should have convinced you too Dorothy!

Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty!

I picked up this journal in December as it was so beautiful and it was based on the song Amazing Grace, with quotes and Scripture inside. I didn't know what I was going to do with it, but I couldn't leave it in the store.

I decided to write my spiritual life story. It is good to know and remember all that God has done in our lives. As an older in life Mom, one of my dreams is to live long enough to see my children grow up and choose God in their lives. I want to be able to pass on to them the rich spiritual heritage that my Grandma and family gave me. It would give me no greater joy than to see them spiritually mature. Reality is, we don't all have our dreams come true. So, I'm writing this down... for my own good and profit, but also for them. I thought the quote on this page was good. A love of quotes... another thing I got from Grandma! :o)

Today, as Pastor Mike continued through his series on Abraham, he taught about Sarah's death. Some people think that Christians will not have struggle and that because God loves us we don't have to worry about bad things happening to us. This is a false gospel. God never promises we won't suffer, in fact there are many Scriptures that indicate we WILL suffer. But God promises to be with us in these struggles and He gave the Holy Spirit to be with us to comfort us in all our struggles.

Just like Abraham never fully saw the completed promises of his Covenant with God, but still believed He would fulfill them (Abraham purchased a lot in the Promised Land for Sarah's burial, believing that even though it had not happened yet, it would be his land and the land of his descendants.), we know that God will complete His promises to us even if they do not occur here on Earth. All God's promises will be fulfilled.

Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. 36Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. 37They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.
39These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. 40God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect. Hebrews 11:35b-40

He further shared with us that God's people believe that the promises of God extend beyond this life.

13Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words. I Thessalonians 4:13-18 (Bible Gateway)

As I sat in the pew, hearing this Scripture, I thought of my brother Danny and Amy's Joshie and thought "Oh Lord, I long to hear your trumpet sound!" and tried to picture them, wondering what they would look like when they were called to meet Him. Then Mike said, what I have felt and known in my heart all along, that it never says NOT to grieve, but when we grieve to grieve in hope. It has long comforted me that Jesus wept when he learned of Lazarus' death and that in the Psalms He says that the death of His saints is precious to Him... He is mindful of what we go through. But we grieve in HOPE! Our hearts may be broken but can be mended through hope and faith in God's promises for the future.

This past year Steven Curtis Chapman and his family experienced the incredible tragedy of losing a child they love dearly. Little Maria was killed when she ran out to meet her brother and was hit by his vehicle because he could not see her. They were shoeless at her packed memorial service, because God met them there on Holy Ground. Matt Redman was there to sing this song he wrote. And as Jack faces a battle of Cancer, it is difficult not to weep when I read "You give and take away". I have hope for Jack's healing, but the very fact that he faces this battle brings to the forefront the fact that NONE of us know when we may die or why or how. A few in history have been told by God how and when they would die, but for the rest of us, we are given the responsibility to LIVE our life each day. From the great wisdom of the movie, Wall E, we believe, "We don't want to 'survive', we want to 'live'"! Because we believe in hope and wait in hope, we can praise His Holy Name in all circumstances!

Blessed Be Your Name

by Matt Redman- - -

Blessed Be Your Name

In the land that is plentiful

Where Your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name

When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's 'all as it should be'

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out

I'll turn back to praise

When the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

Though the darkness closes in, though there's pain in the offering, STILL, I will say, blessed be the Name of the Lord.

If the darkness closes in on you, do not turn away from the Great Physician. Lean into Him, cleave to Him, be protected in the Shadow of His Wings. Praise Him in the darkness. Remember there is a time for every purpose under Heaven. Perhaps I am in a season of grief, but joy comes in the morning. And if you are looking, Joy can come in the Mourning. And maybe not today, but some day, I know His promise will be fulfilled that He will give me the oil of gladness for my mourning.

So, I leave you with one more picture, Scripture and song...

My Grandma Hopkins lived in the Truth of Isaiah 53. He comforted her in her grief at losing her Husband so early (age 56)... Surely he has bourne our griefs and carried our sorrows. By His stripes we are healed. And I know that promise holds true for me. That promise holds true for Jack. And that promise holds true for YOU if you love the Lord your God with all your heart. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. He's always good on His promises!

I don't know if this link will work to You Tube, but if not google "video Spafford It Is Well With My Soul" and you will find it. The story of Horatio Spafford is incredible and his hymn has long comforted me:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blessed assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,I

t is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And though the darkness descend, it is well with my soul. Though it threatens to draw me in, I can bless and praise His Holy Name. He is the God of all the Universe and He has called me Friend.

Life is deep and simple and what our society gives us is shallow and complicated. (Fred Rogers)

Remember the 80s? CHOOSE LIFE! That's what it all boils down to. Life and Death. The enemy offers us death. He offers a culture of death... look at tv, music, fashion and the fixation we have with violence and crime and our flirting with the occult because of the dead - it's everywhere. God offers Life.

Congratulations if you made it this far. I hope that you have found some nugget of inspiration or encouragement. Thank you for all your comments and prayers! You are important to me!

Go Sell Crazy Somewhere Else, We've Got Enough Here - Or Songs On Sunday For Jack

I saw that title on a scrapbook page. It seemed fitting. Today Jack, this post is for you. Please print it out to read for your encouragement and as a verbal hug, when we are separated by distance. We love you!

Today I did not go to church because I am at the stage of migraine where being near people is difficult, so I wondered what I would write for Songs On Sunday. While my thoughts are focused on praying for Jack and as he will be receiving prayer and anointing for healing of his cancer by the Elders and Pastor Cameron at church, I was encouraged by these things.

The first is a devotional that my friend Margaret at Heritage Yarns, called The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotionals, compiled by Arthur Bennett and published by The Banner of Truth. The following is from page 102, but I am not sure if Blogger will allow the phrasing correctly (Sorry Blogger is not playing nicely, so I can't get it to quit squishing everything together!)

Need of Jesus

Lord Jesus,

I am blind, be thou my light.

ignorant, be though my wisdom,

self-willed, be thou my mind.

Open my ear to grasp quickly thy Spirit's voice,

and delightfully run after his beckoning hand;

Melt my conscience that no hardness remain,

make it alive to evil's slightest touch;

When Satan approaches may I flee to thy wounds,

and there cease to tremble at all alarms.

Be my good shepherd to lead me into the green pastures of thy Word,

and cause me to lie down beside the rivers of its comforts.

Fill me with peace, that no disquieting worldly gales

may ruffle the calm surface of my soul.

Thy cross was upraised to be my refuge,

Thy blood streamed forth to wash me clean.

Thy death occurred to give me a surety,

Thy name is my property to save me,

By thee all heaven is poured into my heart,

but it is too narrow to comprehend thy love.

I was a stranger, an outcast, a slave, a rebel,

but thy cross has brought me near,

has softened my heart,

has made me thy Father's child,

has admitted me to thy family,

has made me joint heir with thyself,

O that I may love thee as thou lovest me,

that I may walk worthy of thee, my Lord,

that I may reflect the image of Heaven's first born.

May I always see thy beauty with the clear eye of faith,

and feel the power of thy Spirit in my heart,

for unless he move mightily in me,

no inward fire will be kindled.

Keep on, Keeping on Brother! :o) No matter the outcome, nor the challenges, keep pressing on toward your upward calling in Christ Jesus!

Jame Owens Collins, a praise, prayer and song warrior, wrote this song, hold on to the Truth!

In heavenly armour we'll enter the land

The battle belongs to the Lord

No weapon that's fashioned against us shall stand

The battle belongs to the Lord

We sing glory and honor

Power and strength to the Lord

(repeat)

The power of darkness comes in like a flood

The battle belongs to the Lord

He's raised up a standard, the power of His blood

The battle belongs to the Lord

When your enemy presses in hard do not fear

The battle belongs to the Lord

Take courage my friend, your redemption is near

The battle belongs to the Lord

Cancer is NOT God's good and perfect will. Cancer is a result of the fall, sin, death, a tool of the enemy. We are reminded not to fear the enemy that hurts or kills our bodies, but to beware of the enemy who steals the soul. We know One who is victorious. Be encouraged by the BRAVE journeys of your sisters, Elaine and Nancy, who have traveled this path before you. Do everything HE calls you to humanly do and leave the rest in His hands. Do not survive - LIVE! Remember Elaine's purple hair! Remember Nancy's "fleas"! Remembered that by His stripes you ARE healed. Live in reality but listen to the TRUTH and His peace, which is beyond measure and comprehension will flood over you and sustain you. Live each moment for Him. We're here to be your cheerleaders, your soggy shoulders, your prayer warriors, your family and your friends. No one has a bigger heart for helping others than you. It's our turn to thank you. We love you!!!! We robustly sing to you:

I heard an old, old story,

How a Savior came from glory,

How He gave His life on Calvary

To save a wretch like me;

I heard about His groaning,

Of His precious blood's atoning,

Then I repented of my sins

And won the victory.

Chorus

O victory in Jesus,

My Savior, forever.

He sought me and bought me

With His redeeming blood;

He loved me ere I knew Him

And all my love is due Him,

He plunged me to victory,

Beneath the cleansing flood.

I heard about His healing,

Of His cleansing pow'r revealing.

How He made the lame to walk again

And caused the blind to see;

And then I cried, "Dear Jesus,Come and heal my broken spirit,"

And somehow Jesus came and bro't

To me the victory.

Chorus

O victory in Jesus,

My Savior, forever.

He sought me and bought me

With His redeeming blood;

He loved me ere I knew Him

And all my love is due Him,

He plunged me to victory,

Beneath the cleansing flood.

I heard about a mansion

He has built for me in glory.

And I heard about the streets of gold

Beyond the crystal sea;

About the angels singing,

And the old redemption story,

And some sweet day I'll sing up there

The song of victory.

Chorus

O victory in Jesus,

My Savior, forever.

He sought me and bought me

With His redeeming blood;

He loved me ere I knew Him

And all my love is due Him,

He plunged me to victory,

Beneath the cleansing flood.

No matter the outcome of your earthly battle (which I hope is also won!), I know the war is already WON. I commit you into His Will with HOPE. I love you Jack.

Forget-Me-Nots On Thankful Thursday

Daniel "Danny" Albin Johnson (1967-1973) and Dorothy "Dot" Larimore Johnson (1920-1987) photo taken December 1969.


One of the projects I am looking forward to working on in the coming year, with my newly acquired digital scrapbooking skills, is a book honoring my little brother Danny. He was a delightful little soul with a smile and twinkling eyes that warmed any room.

The hardest part of losing someone young is that eventually your whole life goes on without them and the portion of your life that you shared with them becomes incredibly small. Just as skyscrapers seem impossibly small in the distance, someone who was once a HUGE part of your life seems nearly completely gone. I loathe this process, at the same time my rational brain knows that it is "normal". Somewhere along the line, I promised myself I would NOT forget him. I want my Hubby and children to know who he was so that they too will rejoice in our Heavenly reunion.

Forget-Me-Nots are precious to me, because they remind me of the times that Danny and I picked blue, white and pink forget-me-nots in my Grandma Hopkins' garden. They remind me to remember. Twice yearly, on Danny's birthday and death date, these little posts are my forget-me-nots. They are not to wallow or dwell on my grief. They are tributes to remember. Yes, I do still carry some sadness because losing someone you love is not something you "get over".

So here is my Thankful Thursday list:

1. I am thankful for my brother Danny and the joy we packed into a short period of time.

2. I am thankful for photographs to cherish when the visual memories otherwise fade.

3. I am thankful for my children once again, who just passed the exact ages my brother and I were at the time of his death. I delight to hear them wake up each and every morning, even on days like today when they wake up with, "Daddy! I wet the bed!" LOL

4. I am thankful for our gentle dental hygienist Melissa who gave Boogie another positive dental experience today.

5. I am thankful for my SIL, also on her own journey of grief after losing a child, who willingly drove an hour to watch the girls while I took Boogie to the dentist.

6. I am thankful for having learned how to make bread this past year because my family loves it!

7. I am thankful for blogging, which has helped me in both my grieving and personal journeys.



Go HUG someone you LOVE!!! None of us know how long or short of time we have. LIVE every minute. Like Steven Curtis Chapman sings... la, la, la, la, la, la, LIVE OUT LOUD!



I'll leave you now with one of my favorite Amy Grant songs...


Up in the attic,
Down on my knees.
Lifetimes of boxes,
Timeless to me.
Letters and photographs,
Yellowed with years,
Some bringing laughter,
Some bringing tears.



Time never changes,
The memories, the faces
Of loved ones, who bring to me,
All that I come from,
And all that I live for,
And all that I'm going to be.
My precious family
Is more than an heirloom to me.



Wise men and shepherds,
Down on their knees,
Bringing their treasures
To lay at his feet.
Who was this wonder,
Baby yet king?
Living and dying;
He gave life to me.



Time never changes,
The memory, the moment
His love first pierced through me,
Telling all that I came from,
And all that I live for,
And all that I'm going to be.
My precious savior
Is more than an heirloom to me.
My precious Jesus
Is more than an heirloom to me.